We interrupt our non-stop Downton Abbey programming for a message from our would-be sponsors…
I grew up on the awesomeness of the Olympics, that only once every four years, and twice during that one year, would we be able to put everything else aside and sit down with a bowl of popcorn and a heart full of team-spirit. The Olympics brought my generation not only a world full of dreams, but also the world itself. Proof that what our government and history teachers taught us was real and was there for the finding. Watching those Olympic games was one of the highlights of my childhood.
But the games have changed. The world has changed. And these days the Olympics tends to make me less happy. So in the spirit of world harmony (at least in my own living room), here’s what I would do if I were in charge to make the Olympics a happy place again:
If I were in charge of the American television network coverage, I would–
- Preempt daytime programming to broadcast the Olympic game coverage, including re-runs and highlights from primetime the night before. Give The Doctors the week off. Surely they’d rather be over there watching the games in person anyway.
- Forbid any verbal commentary of any kind during any figure skating performance. Sssshh! No talky!
- Incorporate Olympic/sports movie nights (or possibly preempt coverage of the Opening/Closing Ceremonies if they’re terrible).
- Allow the Paralympics equal primetime coverage. The stories of heroism and courage and the ability to overcome are of truly Olympic proportion with the Paralympic athletes and their loved ones.
If I were in charge of the Olympic games, I would–
- Reverse the ruling that allows professionals to compete. It defeats the purpose of the games — global goodwill — and creates athletic unfairness and viewer boredom. When I want to watch the NBA, I’ll watch the NBA. As a viewer, what I want to see are fresh faces, fresh stories, but most importantly average joes just like me who are working their way to their dream. I couldn’t care less if that means fewer American gold medals. We’d never have heard of the Jamaican bobsled team if they’d had to compete against Shaq…you know what I mean.
- Reverse the decision to split the Olympics into a two-year rotation. I don’t care what country the winter and summer games happen in, but I’m just nerdy enough to believe that it really makes that fourth year something special. I like special.
- Open the Olympics to any media outlet, no network contracts. I’ve heard rumors that competition breeds excellence. No idea where that could have come from.
- Declare Global Holidays during both the summer and winter games so the whole world could have a Coke and watch together.
If I were an Olympic judge, I would–
- Require pre-approval of all men’s figure skating costumes. Bad costumes that blind my eyes so I cannot see any talent or technique whatsoever will not be tolerated. OR insist that costumes account for 2/3 of the final score. Any Olympian can land a triple axle, but apparently very few can find a complimentary piece of Lycra.
- Have NEVER given Plushenko a gold medal ever. Never ever. Never. The rest of the world has been robbed. Don’t get me started. See previous requirement.
- Would see to it that the Jamaican bobsled team ALWAYS made it to the medal stand. Or received an honorary medal for historical awesomeness.
- Award myself a platinum medal for viewer loyalty/possible insanity against all odds.
In a just and fair world, if YOU were in charge of the Olympics, what would YOU do?